Why when I stub my toe must i cut off my head?

 Witthaya Phonsawat. Published on 27 July 2015
Stock photo - Image ID: 100342091

Begin again Finnegan.  I got off to a rocky start so I’m calling a mulligan.  Here’s my restart not to far in.

Why, when I’m watching what I eat, will I eat till I explode, once I’ve made a mistake?  If I hit a speed bump with my car I don’t go “Well I’ve blown it now might as well drive into a semi.”  If I get a stain on my clothes I try to get it out.  I don’t go  “well I messed up and throw paint all over my clothes and tear them up as well.”  So, why do I eat everything that can’t get away once I’ve made a mistake.  “Well I ate something I shouldn’t so now I need to stuff myself with foods that are bad for me and I won’t even enjoy”.

I think it may have to do with why I over eat.  I think I may eat out of fear some times.  Not fear that makes sense; more like fear of making these and other changes to my life.  Fear that I’m not worthy.  Fear that I should just hide myself away.  I know these things don’t really make sense.  I want to make these changes in my life, I believe everyone has innate value (I would never say any one else is not worthy), and I want to take part in life.

How do I address these fears when they don’t feel like fear they feel more like ‘I really need to eat something right now’  How do I stop myself and say “hey am I really hungry?  Yes, I messed up but now I can get back on track”.  When what I feel, feels so much like hunger or impulse?  So I guess right now I need to build in some ways to stop myself.  Some things I can do instead of eating.

I can repeat “I am safe” in my head because saying it repeatedly out load may get me locked up.  I could make a list of some of my touchstones and go over it. Go over the reasons I want to lose weight.  I could try and delay it till my one splurge meal a week.  I don’t know if that will help.  I will try the first two and consider any ideas anyone else has.

It's tough to stop and consider where this "I need to eat" impulse comes from when so often it does not come from really needing to eat.  A few more reasons people, myself included may need to eat include: strong emotions, or not wanting to deal with emotions, boredom, misdirected self love, and/or self loathing, and we like the rush we get from unhealthy foods.  I have depression that is treated but still does not always bring me up to level.  Fat, salt, and sugar have some serious (and temporary) feel good energy burst properties. 

Some people equate eating with love and security.  It's a social thing as well and the sense of smell is the strongest sense to bring back positive memories or feelings.  For a while I saw my fat as a fat suit that would keep me safe and distance me from others until i realized it was suffocating me in the process.  There are so many reasons we experience "I need this".  We need to whittle them down so we can feel We need to eat only when We need to eat.

I recently went 48 hours on only clear fluids to prepare for a medical test.  I only really got hungry twice and it passed.  Of course right now i am thinking about how much i want a hot chocolate.  Maybe I have some light hot chocolate instead of going out for the full sugar and fat stuff. 

I keep wanting to say you instead of I when I’m writing about fear to try and make it about someone else.  Hopefully if you read this you can consider whether it’s about you as well or not.  I’d love to hear from you.  Be well.